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A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"
A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor. "Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!" The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him. "Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London. Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.
How do you tell if a bass is dead?
1.What's the difference?
2.Who cares?
In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.
How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
Why do musicians tour the most in the summer?
So they can visit all their kids.
What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello,Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.
How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!" The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?" The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a dog?
His name was feedo.
What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
A demented chord.
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?
A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it?
The second violinist, because:
1.No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.
2.There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist.
3.The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.
Why did the Philharmonic disband?
Excessive sax and violins.
Borodin nothing to do!!
Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."
Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the institutionalized patients. "Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!", said the patient. "Why, thank you," said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). "Are you by chance a musician?" "Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I've played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones." said the patient. "Wow, that's impressive," said the violinist. "Did you do recitals as well?" "Oh yes, I've done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones," said the patient. "Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?" asked the violinist. "Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire," said the patient. Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you ever play string quartets?" All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted "String quartets!... String quartets!... String quartets!... "
How do you fit 100 drummers in a phone booth?
Throw in a food stamp
How do you get em out?
Throw in a bar of soap.
Why are bass players steering wheels so small?
so they can drive with handcuffs on.
Why do flys have wings?
to beat the drummers to the trash can.
What do a conductor and a sperm have in common?
only one out of a million work.
There's a deer and a conductor lying dead in the road, whats the difference?
there is skid marks in front ofthe deer.
A drummer and a bass player both fall off a building, who hits the ground first?
who cares?
Why don't bass players play hide and seek?
because no one will look for them.
Why do guitarist make great astronauts?
because all they take up is space in school.
Who won the drummer beauty contest?
nobody.
What do you get when you cross a drummer and an ape?
a retarted ape.
What are the three most difficult years in a bass players life?
second grade.
Why are scientists breeding guitarist instead of rats for science expirements?
because they breed faster and you don't get as attatched to them.
How do you give a drummer a concusion?
smash his head with the toilet seat while he's drinking.
What do you say to a guitarist in a three- piece suit?
will the defendent please rise.
What do you call a bass playing sky diving?
instant air pollution.
What do you call a conductor without a lawnmower?
unemployed.
What do you call a building full of guitarist?
jail.
Q: How many drummers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: What do you have when a keyboard player is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: When guitarist die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you get a drummer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: How do you stop a guitar player from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of bass players goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: Have you heard about the conductors word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a drummer?
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of bass players?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q: What does a guitar player and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Where can you find a good drummer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: What do bass players use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: Why did the post office recall the new guitar player stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Q: What is the ideal weight of a drummer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead guitar player in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a song writer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What do you call 20 bass players skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.
Q: If you see a guitar player on a bicycle, why would you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a talented drummer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a guitar player You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: You shoot the guitar player. Twice.
Q: Do you know what happens when a bass player takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed bass player?
A: - Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a drummer is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do only 10% of guitar players make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q: Why do drummers like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Q: How are lead singers like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Q: How can you tell when a drummer is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q: How do guitar players define a "50/50" relationship?
A: We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Q: How do bass players exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q: How do you get a drummer to stop biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.
Q: How does a guitar player show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical keyboard player?
A: All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q: What do you do with a lead singer who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A: Exchange him.
Q: What should you give a keyboard player who has everything?
A: A bass player to show him how to work it.
Q: What's a guitar players idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.
Q: What's the best way to force a drummer to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent drummer?
A: Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Q: What's the smartest thing a guitar player can say?
A: "My wife says..."
Q: Why do drummers play sports on artificial turf?
A: To keep them from grazing.
Q: Why do lead singers need instant replay on TV sports?
A: Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for drummers than for other musicians?
A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q: Did you hear about the bass player from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.
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