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It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.
What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain.
Bumper Stickers:
1.Play an accordian--go to jail!
2.Three rows and you're out!
Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles
A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.
How long does it take to tune a chang?
Nobody knows.
Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?
So that violist can feel superior about something.
Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.
What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
TThree. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.
Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2."Hey man, I just do sound."
3.One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7. He said, "No, no. A jazz chord." I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either. "No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"
Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.
A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live." The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1.None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2."Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
What do you do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct. None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert. He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back. The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?" So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog. "Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement. "Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time. "That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?" The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"
Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizingprofusely he explained, "I am blind, and didn't see you there." "Perfectly all right," said the snake, "because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way." A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, "This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?" "Why, no," said the rabbit. "Go right ahead." So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, "MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit." "Why, that's right!" said the rabbit. "May I feel you?" "Go right ahead." said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path. The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. "Yuck!" he said. "You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!"
A musician arrived at the pearly gates. "What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter. "I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra" "Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal." So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?" "Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."
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