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Three man and a tenor.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Did you hear about the tenor who was so dumb the other tenors noticed?
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What is the definition of a mezzo soprano?
Just an alto with a soprano's attitude.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...it would be a good idea.
Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.
How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years.
How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo"
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."
What's the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
"Music Minus One"
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.
How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."
How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!
Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.
In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1.Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2.It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
1.Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2.Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.
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