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Have them miss every other note.
How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
These two tuba players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen!
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1."Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2.Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3.Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
4.Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
5.None. They have a machine to do that.
Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.
How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.
How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1."Hi. I played that last year."
2."Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A bodhran player.
How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.
What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
What do bodhran players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.
If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
1.The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2.Who cares?
What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
1.One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2.Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3.Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman? Stage makeup.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.
How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.
What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.
A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."
What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1.None. They can't get that high.
2.Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
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